Forcing Your Relationships on Your Children: Is It Fair?
Posted: Monday, January 26, 2009
by Ronyae
Writings by Ronyae
I'll start this vent off with a short story:
A young lady has six school-aged children, and they are making the best of what they have. The young lady meets a guy that she totally adores. This was a friend from her childhood that she had a major crush on. So, when he met her children and against there reluctance to get to know him better, she didn't recognize that there may be a problem between the guy and her children.
As time passed, a number of incidents occurred where the children were trying to tell her that the guy had mistreated them. All six of them had a story to tell; he had hit or grabbed one of the sons improperly, and had spoken derogatory words to the daughter. Their mother insisted that they stop making things up, and would often punish them if the story seemed to close to being the truth.
More time went by, and soon the children found themselves being left with fewer servings for dinner because they had to either wait until the guy had got his portions of 'their' dinner, or they were left with nothing if the guy decided he wanted to stay home all day. Not only did the dinner become a deprivation, but the savings the children had put away from small jobs they would find around the neighborhood. The guy felt that since he was with their Mother, he had rights to their property as well.
Now, I don't wish to tell the whole story, because I could go on forever on this subject; I feel the tension that's settling from my disapproval of this. But I wanted to share this story to make a point, personal opinion maybe, but a point all the while. The point being that of a question, really about forcing relationships on children. Is it really fair to force your personal relationship on your children?
I ask this because the way I feel says that children are people too. They have their own sense of judgment and opinion, and should be taken into consideration. I say this because there is a big chance that the things a child experiences in life, rather at home or in the public, will affect that child's life as a whole and the way that child responds to certain experiences in life.
I've seen way too many times where a child displays low self esteem because they feel that their opinion doesn't matter; they feel it's no use in expressing themselves if nobody cares what they think. And even worse, the child rebels and turns down a negative path. And we all know where the path leads...I tell you - Reality Bites!
But there are strong points that have been made to state that these are only children and the parent knows what's best for them. The children may not see the whole picture of how the guy could be pleasing the mother in ways that are really needed at that time, or that the guy could really be helping the mother in ways unbeknowst to the children; and the one that gets me: the guy could have potential... phewy!
Potential my foot! I say a person has to be considerate of their children when dating or starting relationships. I see it as a package deal: the parent and the children. If you deal with one, you deal with the other. That child has an opinion as well as to how they will be treated in this relationship. There are some people who may not like children, but wants to deal with you. I believe that will leave you with a person who doesn't want to involve your children in things so you all can spend quality time together. What will you do, pack your children off to a babysitter everytime you spend time with this person? Or will you leave them home alone, just so you can have a good time? Doesn't sound fair to me. Help me readers, what do you think, is it fair to force your personal relationships on your children? Or is it a better way to look at this? I'm open for suggestions.
A young lady has six school-aged children, and they are making the best of what they have. The young lady meets a guy that she totally adores. This was a friend from her childhood that she had a major crush on. So, when he met her children and against there reluctance to get to know him better, she didn't recognize that there may be a problem between the guy and her children.
More time went by, and soon the children found themselves being left with fewer servings for dinner because they had to either wait until the guy had got his portions of 'their' dinner, or they were left with nothing if the guy decided he wanted to stay home all day. Not only did the dinner become a deprivation, but the savings the children had put away from small jobs they would find around the neighborhood. The guy felt that since he was with their Mother, he had rights to their property as well.
Now, I don't wish to tell the whole story, because I could go on forever on this subject; I feel the tension that's settling from my disapproval of this. But I wanted to share this story to make a point, personal opinion maybe, but a point all the while. The point being that of a question, really about forcing relationships on children. Is it really fair to force your personal relationship on your children?
I ask this because the way I feel says that children are people too. They have their own sense of judgment and opinion, and should be taken into consideration. I say this because there is a big chance that the things a child experiences in life, rather at home or in the public, will affect that child's life as a whole and the way that child responds to certain experiences in life.
I've seen way too many times where a child displays low self esteem because they feel that their opinion doesn't matter; they feel it's no use in expressing themselves if nobody cares what they think. And even worse, the child rebels and turns down a negative path. And we all know where the path leads...I tell you - Reality Bites!
But there are strong points that have been made to state that these are only children and the parent knows what's best for them. The children may not see the whole picture of how the guy could be pleasing the mother in ways that are really needed at that time, or that the guy could really be helping the mother in ways unbeknowst to the children; and the one that gets me: the guy could have potential... phewy!
Potential my foot! I say a person has to be considerate of their children when dating or starting relationships. I see it as a package deal: the parent and the children. If you deal with one, you deal with the other. That child has an opinion as well as to how they will be treated in this relationship. There are some people who may not like children, but wants to deal with you. I believe that will leave you with a person who doesn't want to involve your children in things so you all can spend quality time together. What will you do, pack your children off to a babysitter everytime you spend time with this person? Or will you leave them home alone, just so you can have a good time? Doesn't sound fair to me. Help me readers, what do you think, is it fair to force your personal relationships on your children? Or is it a better way to look at this? I'm open for suggestions.
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Top-level comments on this article: (5 total)To My Readers,I know this is a very opinionated write; and I apologize if it offends anyone, but hey passion is what we strive for when we express ourselves, right? I hope so, and thanks for reading. Please, don't hesitate to leave a comment :)
hi ronyae,it's hard line to tether on, but i've managed to do it, after introducing my kids to my childhood sweetheart, when we reunited 10 years ago. it was difficult, and there were many ups as well as downs, but now, things are balanced, and my kids are now grown, and can look back and see many arguments were just parental/child oriented, and in their best interest.abuse is a whole other story.in 24 years of being a mother, i have never allowed another human being to put their hands on my kids, and never will.but arguing, and learning ways to get along and understand each other, is possible, and is a blessing when all the hard work pays off.thanks for sharing your thoughts,best regards,sueSue,Thanks for stopping by. I truly appreciate your comment; your sharing of your experience will be very helpful to someone. Thanks for shring it.
Well, I generally agree with what your saying.There is an exception; If a one night stand happens (and protection is used), and the woman never sees the guy again, no harm has been done to the kids.Except for that exception, your right; If a woman has kids and a man wants a relationship with the woman, he needs to have relationships with the kids as it is a packaged deal.Gregory,
Sounds like you got it! Pretty good :); and your exception is accepted. I'm glad you agree with my rant (smile), because personally I feel that the guy is at just as much fault as the young lady in this situation. I'm quite sure he knows best to see that the family is already struggling, and to take from them and be mean to the family too?...That's a hekuva nerve to have inside of oneself.But thanks for reading and sharing such an interesting comment
Hi, Ronyae,A friend of mine was dating a guy who had a son; She told me she was considering marrying the guy and I remember I told her the son was equally an important part of the package. It would be erroneous of her to relegate him to the background. Her attitude towards the boy could make or mar her marriage.
The story you wrote about is a typical case of a woman who was obsessed with her relationship at the expense of her children. However, there are cases where the children are deliberate in being antagonistic because they do not want to share their parent or they are overwhelmed by the fear of uncertainty - what if this person turns our parent against us.
Hence, it is important for the parent to be find out the motive behind such reactions. It is also essential that the support of the children is gained through patience and communication. The supposed 'intruder' should work at developing a good relationship with them treating them like he would treat his own.Ndidi,Thanks for reading, and especially thank you for sharing such a passionate comment. I agree with everything you shared. Thanks for stopping by.
Ronyae, I so fully appreciate your article. I am currently getting into a new relationship, and have a 3 1/2 yr old who had been showing signs of jealousy and dislike. I've been confused by it. I remember my mother always putting her men she dated in front of us children and still have unhappy feelings because of it. You've made me realise how important it is to put my son first and to really pay attention to the behaviour of both parties...my son and the new man in my life. I am really going to act on it, and speak to this new person in my life asap about the importance of my son and his future as well. Thank you.Natalie Force from Vancouver Island, B.C.
You have my purpose and writing worth doing, and I feel that your comment motivates me to continue expressing my passion for subjects, ideas and inspirations. So, I thank you, for not only reading and sharing a comment, but being one that has received soemthing from reading this.May the Angels of Truth, Mercy and Grace Guide You, Natalie!~Stay Blessed~
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