Today's Relationship: Replacing Yesterday's Traditional Relationships...or Not?
Posted: Sunday, February 08, 2009
by Ronyae
Writings by Ronyae
I've grown to become a phobic of relationships. I'm not literally 'scared' to be in a relationship...but wait, maybe I am. But my so called 'fear' roots from what I was raised to value in a relationship, and what a relationship really consists of. I mean, here you have two hearts that hold the matching piece to the others' values of and in life, then together you fulfill a somewhat purpose that completes dreams and goals. I may be just a bit too opinionated on this point, but it touches near a part of mine innermost drives within my life. So much, until I have to vent somewhere. May I vent here, my readers? May I ask you what do you feel a relationship consists of?
Classic movies showed the male 'courting' and 'calling on' the female; today we have the females doing the picking and calling. More like an ongoing Sade's Day Dance. WOW...did I just type that? Well, I guess I had to vent on it, because that's what I'm doing, right? Since I am, let me add how brazen it is to know that a male isn't 'really into you' and still pursue him as a female seems a bit out of place to me. But I've seen displays of females 'going for what they know' and get the man. Which I applaud at every instance. But I like that feeling when I see that the man is just as much interested in me. And he shows that by 'courting' me rather than being a prisoner of love.
Speaking on being a prisoner. Why should a relationship feel as if you are being sentenced? Why should a person feel as if once they leave certain relationships, they've had 'time served'? LOL. Yes, it's funny, but sad. And very sad. I couldn't see myself being in a relationship where I wasn't happy. But what truly makes me happy? See, this is where I'm beginning to question my traditional views of a relationship and it's values. How can a person endure mandated happiness, when the life around them is in complete turmoil: infedility, dishonesty (without regard), belittling [emotional abuse], inconsideration, non-support, high expectations, busy schedule, bad health, private endeavors, past issues, family issues, foreclosure....must I go on? (smile, cause life does have a silver lining). This was a statement used to assauge many women back in the day. Now, I'm remembering the songs I've heard telling the woman to overlook the husband's infeditility, because he was a 'good man'. OMG! I couldn't just do that. "Are you serious?" to the woman who was first to ever say that to someone. I can imagine that was a time when you were glad to get what you could: to either get away from where you where at, or you were 'sold off' in the form of a family 'arrangement'...either way sounds bad to me.
See, I'm afraid to enter into a relationship of such a horrible nature, simply because I probably watch way too much televison; especially cable television. I don't want to give it my best by living out the traditional values instilled in me; I want to be the person that supports my mate no matter what; I want to have no doubt that I am the only one who fills their eyes [but how can this be certain?]; I want to know that my mate has good intentions and have my best interest at heart, and to do all this to discover that I don't satisfy him?...Way NOT! And I don't see those specific qualities right off within the conversations and interactions that I've encountered. But then again, let my family and friends have their say, they'd swear that I'm just blinded by selfishness. I could agree with them, but I don't. And I will not go any further into it, if you, my readers don't mind.
Please don't misread me, I know that times have their way of jamming a person just when they want to get their life right; trust me, I've been there and am there. Stories of a man that wants the best for his family, but society will not give him a break, or even better, his timing just doesn't click right. Funny how that is...
Times of yesterday found the female being 'strong' and 'holding out/on' for her mate, or husband. This was said to be the 'just' thing to do within a small community. But today, this can be looked at and followed through in so many different ways; times have changed and so have the traditions of a relationship: If you are just 'seeing' a person, maybe a movie here. A dinner there. You are officially dating this person? I don't see that as a date, I see that as getting to know a person. I can't move in after the first date, can I?...WOW. And I can't see myself being 'strong' for someone I hardly know. But see, from what I hear from my elders, you don't 'mess' with someone unless they are 'the one'. I laugh at it, but I see the essence in it all. I don't want to waste time with someone that I don't want to finally pursue...or did I state that right?
But what about those that pursue you? What about the times you are propositioned and have no nature to be noticed, or even better, a person who is wearing a wedding band. How does that band allow access to overstep boundaries? There were records of wives 'turning heads' to adultery, infedity...all the while the husband made no intention of hiding the fact that he was a married man looking for outside attention. Even the mere mention of something of that nature makes me turn away...totally discriminative. I cannot see being okay with knowing that my husband sleeps in other beds. But these were the days of yesterday, are they still alive?
This Article has been viewed 1,769 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)hi ronyae,my partner is my best friend, since i first spoke to him over the phone at 12 years old. i knew right then, without even seeing him, that our lives would be intertwined forever. we broke up at 19, had kids with others, left others, got back together 23 years later, and have been toger 24/7 for the past 10 years.we do things at the same time, such as get up at the same time to go get a drink, go to the bathroom, we reach for the remote at the same time, we fluff our pillows together, i trust him, he is loyal and faithful, respectful and humble and my soul mate.when we have a problem, we work on it, but we know we are meant to be together.we think alike, have the same interests, have the same beliefs and ideals, and are attracted to one another. that is my relationship.thanks for sharing,my best regards,sue
Sue,Now, this sounds like either a match made in heaven, or a beautiful Fairy Tale Romance...both of which I yearn for. Thanks for the encouragement!
Ronyae, I can feel your inner turmoil and empathize with you. I have been there before and although it didn't consume my thoughts, it was no fun. As an adult, I'm leery of traditions someone else makes for me. The personalities that made them could be totally different from the original God made me, personality included. So I tend to buck against traditions concerning relationships. I'm even old-fashioned but what works for me is rooted in God's word. It's fresh - never stale!
I cancelled a date for last Saturday because I was pressured into making it by one of my sisters and a 25 year old male friend in Denmark. I want nothing from this man and would not waste his time, mine or encourage him. If I see him again, I'll speak to him and he'll be a casual stranger. I am not interested in dating and was not drawn to him.
A relationship to me is being with someone much like what Sue enjoys. You are equally yoked. His life must be Christ-centered and authentic. I want to fall in love with Him as I have with Christ that I see in Him. When He puts Christ first, he'll place me next to Him, not himself. In taking care of His responsibilities as a man who loves the Lord, He'll take care of me. This is reciprocated by me, as well. A Christ-centered relationship leaves no room for a self-centered relationship. You are each taking care of the other as Christ would have it.
Like all things, this requires effort. The one for me accepts this without remorse. I won't compromise on this. I will sleep on the other side of the bed or agree to a silver car over a black one but stand firm on what a relationship is to me.
When you determine what you want, Ronyae, don't compromise anything that changes your core beliefs. Pray about the one you want and allow him to find you. The bible says a man who findeth himself a wife finds a good thing. You may spot each other at the same time but he will spot you as his wife. And if you are, he'll desire what you do in a relationship.
I didn't intend to write an article. Many things are messed up in this world but they do not have to be messed up for you. You're a bright young woman and you shouldn't accept any wooden nickles. Continue with your growth. Your desires will be fulfilled.
Your big sister (or auntie), *grin*
Avis
PS I forgot, when he is in Christ and Christ in him, infidelity won't happen. When he is being tempted, he will take the escape the love of God has provided. He won't violate the Covenant relationship he has with God, which is also with you. The circle of love as symbolized by the wedding band will not be turned into a triangle of deception. He loves God (and his wife) too much.Avis,I am so grateful to have you as whatever you wished to be called *smile*; what you stated is sooo close to my heart, until I'm in tears over here from just the mere vision that anything is possible if you trust in Christ! Thanks for sharing this with me and the rest of my readers, especially this: "...I want to fall in love with Him as I have with Christ that I see in Him...."Ronyae, it is. "Anything is possible if you trust in Christ." You're beautiful and sought after by the devil and his agents. God forbid, as you belong to Him. Thank you so very much for accepting what was written. Our Father ministered to you through me. I'm humbled, thankful and in His presence, too. Tears flow freely as I give thanks to Him.
*hugs*hugs hugs, Avis! Thanks and continue in Christ's Blessful Journeys!
Hi Ronyae, great thoughts!! I suppose in the end, its all about taking a step of faith and trusting a relationship to bloom and knowing that there are no "fairy tale" relationships. Every relationship worth having has its ups and downs, the real fairy tale is excersising grace and forgiveness. Too many movies can cloud our vision of a healthy relationship. I think I told you, I met my husband just 8 days after I turned 13th. We have been together ever since I was 16. That is a lot of years to have hard times and struggles, but bailing out wasn't the answer, the harder road was the road of unconditional love and not expecting perfection from one another. In this, we made (by the grace of God) a wonderfully fun and romantic relationship. Don't let fear stop you--however, I do agree with you in that I would want to know that he is as interested in me as I him. Another great piece. Blessings to you! teresaTeresa,I have tears in my eyes right now...thank you so much for writing such encouraging words. *hug*HI Ronyae, I am gald you heard the encouragement from my heart :-) Hugs back to you.
Ronyae,Your article is most thought-provoking. To look at a past relationship as a prison sentence is certainly not healthy. A good relationship is not a sentence -- it is a commitment. To love, to honor, to cherish. Through thick and thin. Some couples want to spend every waking moment together. Others are content just 'knowing' they are together when apart.My advice? Seek one whose faith matches your own -- you don't need to have everything in common but the common faith will bridge the difficulties. And, there must be a chemistry as well. I don't believe that that spark, that certain something, can be discovered or learned over time. It is either there or it isn't, and you know it when you meet the right person.I wish you the best in your search for the true understanding of a meaningful, loving relationship.God bless you,Nancy,Thanks for reading and sharing a comment. Especially, the advice!
Great article! I do think that television has so much to do with how we view our relationships--I read a statistic that among t.v. couples the rate of infidelity shown is twice the number in real life whereas showing a couple honestly talk out differences respectfully is almost nil. so there you go.
Thanks for the well thought out article.
jen.Jen,Thanks for your input. That information will help someone for the better.
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.